This week I decided to get back into one of my favorite ways to create with myself. I had a little solo dolo photoshoot. Leading up to the moment when I set up the camera and preparing, I spent probably too much time deciding whether or not I wanted to put makeup on and the pros and cons of each choice.
Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to keep my face natural and just put something on that made me feel into the more feminine parts of myself. Usually putting makeup on helps me drop into this “role” but this time I decided to try something different.
When I first turned the camera on and set up the frame, I tensed up and started overthinking everything about the way I was carrying my body and the way the light was and what to do with my hands, what to do with my face and so what came out was pensive and stiff. Looking back on these photos now, I see this energy within myself, but I also see a beautiful woman who has no idea how damn gorgeous she is.
After trying (and failing) to pose and make it look even a little natural, I looked down to my right where I had a pile of masks that I painted throughout quarantine in 2020. Without a second thought I picked up the masks and proceeded to pose with them one by one. With every mask that I tried on I felt more and more able to own and trust the movement of my body.
Its like the masks gave me permission to fully embody myself.
I have been living in this box of perception where I believe the smaller I keep myself, the safer I will be. This belief has led me so far away from my own power and beauty and caused me to adorn myself, and hide myself, with so many different masks that I struggle to get to an embodied state when I take all the masks off. I know there is something deeper behind all of this.
It comes back to my sense of worthiness. Do I feel worthy of being seen for all that I am? Do I feel worthy enough to take up space? Do I feel worthy of being loved for all that I am? I know I want to feel worthy of all of these things and I like to believe that I deserve to be deeply loved and appreciated. But when it comes down to me stepping out into the world and staying present with my truest and highest self, I have trouble staying integrated.
My therapist told me that it seems I am living in “Liminal Space”, the in between, the threshold. I have come to a place in my journey where I have gained all of this awareness and understanding of myself, and those around me, where I must now allow some old parts of me die so as to make space for what wants to grow.
When I look at these photos of myself, I feel so damn beautiful and powerful and divinely feminine. But it took me stepping into the space first with the discomfort and darkness, followed by acknowledging the masks that are no longer serving me, to then finally finding some freedom in my body and letting the flow take over. I am living in the space between wearing and breaking free of the masks. I am surrendering to the discomfort in this moment knowing that joy and freedom are just around the bend.